Passion and Romance

If you are a man in a relationship with a woman you have most certainly seen the movie - "The Notebook". Having said that you can understand that living up to the standard set in that movie is somewhat impossible or is it. In a society of selfishness it may seem impossible. But lets take a look at what be self-less means. The character of Noah follows displays a self-less love that few are able to find. He follows his wife into a nursing home after she is diagnosed with Dimentia. In a poignant scene in the movie Noah's children visit them at the home and urge him to leave. He says something that demonstrates what I am saying he says " That's my sweetheart in there and I'm not leaving her". He follows that with this "Your mother is my home now". Is this type of love dead in our society? I would like to believe that it is not. I would like to believe that this is the type of love I have for Leah. Marriage is more than just a committment you make. Churches want us to believe the the committment is all that matters. I want to add something i believe that is maybe a little more important. Along with that committment must come the committment to keep passion and romance alive in your relationship. Without these key elements a relationship will die. Even with the best of intentions committment can only take you so far. Maybe we can't live up to the Notebooks ideals but if we keep Passion and Romance alive in our relationships we can ensure that our committment to marriage stays fresh and alive.

Conflict the Marriage Builder

If title of this blog has you scratching your head let me explain. Marriage comes with the expectation that there will be conflict. We try to learn how to resolve conflict with every trick in the book. I propose that we have a conflict "Revolution". Let's turn the tables on conflict and instead of running from it lets embrace it and use it to build stronger marriages. I try to avoid conflict and by doing that a lot of issues go unresolved. Bitterness and anger build up to the point where you are ready to give up on your spouse. Now I am not saying to fight with your spouse everyday. What I am saying is simple when there is a conflict DEAL with it don't let it fester in your mind and in your heart. The Bible says "not to let the sun go down in your anger". Sounds pretty simple to me and yet we bang our heads against the wall living with conflict. Does that sound fun to you? Take the time to tackle conflict in your marriage and stop banging your head against the wall.

I'm Sorry

Why is that so hard to say? I believe that if we could learn how to say those simple words our marriages would suffer a lot less grief. God makes it fairly clear that we are not to let the sun go down while we're angry and saying I'm sorry is the first step to reconciliation. The biggest barrier we face with saying I'm sorry is our own pride. I know this from experience. If we would just set aside pride we could build the type of marriage that God desires us to have. I know that this is all easier said than done but it is well worth it. I said the words "I'm sorry" to Leah today and a weight was lifted off of our relationship, a heaviness that was putting a huge wedge between us. Saying "I'm sorry" allowed us to bridge the gap that we were facing. I had to swallow my pride and take the first step towards resolution. So try it sometime, saying your sorry, it's not as hard as you think. When it comes to the most important relationship in your life it is all worth it.

To Flirt or not to Flirt

"A little flirting doesn't hurt." I've heard this from others and I've thought this as well but is this true or am I just lying to myself. How easy is it to go fr0m flirting to infidelity? I am happy to say that I don't know and that I don't want to find out. Whether you mean to or not flirting can and does hurt, if not controlled you WILL eventually cross the line. Maybe not the first time but the more you do it the more comfortable you will get and the easier it will be to cross the line. We all know the difference between "friendly and flirty" so do yourself and your spouse a favor and keep it friendly. In the long run you will reap the benefits of this type of fidelity. If you must flirt, flirt with the person you have committed yourself to : your spouse. If you put the same effort into your spouse as you do in someone else you would have a beautiful marriage. Don't settle for the lie that the grass is greener in someone else's pasture because it isn't.

The Facade of Friendship

Can a man and a woman be friends without any sexual tension??? This profound question was examined in one of my favorite movies starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan "When Harry Met Sally". I believe it is a very relavant question especially in marriage. I'm not talking about aquaintances I'm talking about friendship which commands a higher level of intimacy. Can a married man or woman have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex that is not their spouse. I say no, not because it is not possible but because you put yourself in a very tough situation. I am a firm believer that your spouse should be your best friend. Your spouse should be the person that knows everything about you. They should be the first one you want to call when something great happens or even when something bad happens. If this is not the case in your relationship than you really need to take a hard look at your relationship and take the steps necessary to remedy this problem, and it is a problem. Don't get caught up in the facade of friendship because it will lie to you. It will tell you that "this person understands me more than my wife or my husband never listens to me". These are lies and need to be seen as such. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence but that is not the case. Marriages take work, no one said it would be easy. It takes sweat and tears to see it through to the end. If you take it one day at a time and focus on the one with whom you made your vows than you can complete the journey that you set out to complete when you said "I DO!!!"

Consquences

Do we really think of the consequences? We have all heard it said "For every action there is a greater or equal reaction". The bible says it this way "what a man reaps so shall he sow". Another one is "what goes around comes around". In our live there are consequences for our actions and we need to be able to live with these consequences. But do we really think this way? What will happen if I do this or that? Or is it more like can I get away with this or that. Whether we want to believe it or not even when you get away with something it still affects you. It will always be there in the back of your mind. I believe if more people though about the consequences many mistakes in marriage could be avoided. Lets take a step back today and ask ourselves that question : What are the consequences for my actions going to be? Can you live with the decision you made? If so, what kind of life is that going to be. Remember even when you feel like you've gotten away with something one person will always know the wrong you did and that's the person you look at in the mirror.

Separation Anxiety

From my last blog you can see how I feel about "Infidelity" but I have a better understanding of it. I still vehemently believe in the sanctity of marriage I see how one can get caught up in the web of infidelity. As emotional beings we were made for relationships and when the most important one is under stress we look for escape. This is why marriage takes work, it takes an enormous amount of efforts on both husband and wife that they affair proof their marriage. Both spouses need to ensure that the needs of the other is being met. I believe this is amplified for those of us in the military. There are not many jobs in the world where one can be separated from their spouse for a year or more. So keeping connected takes serious effort. Affairs happen when that connection starts to fade and "Separation Anxiety" kicks in. This is when we try to find someone to fill that void. Here is where many people give in and cross the line between fidelity and infedility. As I see it, it is not always an overt act but can be very subtle. And that subtly causes people to get in over there heads and before they know it, they blew it. Is there a full proof way to to prevent this??? I don't know, I used to think that people who cheated were weak but I know believe that it can happen to anyone and that no one is immune from it. I encourage you all of you to fight hard for you marriage. It will be hard but it will be worth it!!!

91 Days from Home

Like the title states its been 91 days since I have been home and we have no idea when we are going to get back. This is just not natural, we are not meant to be away from our loved ones for that amount of time. Just being where I'm at makes it hard and the uncertainty that surrounds us. I don't think people can really understand what it's like until they have to do it. It is not natural for a husband to be away from his wife for a year. I understand that this is part of being in the military but really a whole year!!! They wonder why the divorce rate is so high for those in the military. I can honestly say that I have never crossed the line in my marriage but in my 16 years I have seen many married members, male and female cross that line. I ask myself how and why. I kind understand it somewhat but in the same sense I don't know how they can act like it never happened and go on with there lives. You have to look your spouse in the eyes when you get home and then what. The temptation is there and being separated makes it very easy but at what price. Is it worth the cost of losing your marriage? I say no. What has happened to "till death do us part" is it just a thing of the past? Marriage takes work and committment without that it loses its meaning. Lets get back to the importance of fidelity!!! That's right FIDELITY, this should go hand in hand in marriage. If you can't agree than don't get married!!!

Get Out of The Bucket

Those words changed my life. Eight years ago I was going through a difficult time. A relationship was ending and I found myself wallowing in depression and self pity. Nothing and no one seemed to be helping. It was affecting my job and it could have had long term effects. One day my Commanding Officer called me into his office and told me those words "Get out of the bucket". He used some other colorful language as well but those five words kept going through my head. Being stuck in a bucket means you are heading no where, no where fast. He was telling me to live, to take a step out of the bucket and start living again. Though that road hasn't always been smooth at least I am on it. I'm out of the bucket and living. For those of you out there that are stuck in that bucket I encourage you take a chance, start living again. Eventually the hurt will go away, the dissappointment will fade and a new day will begin. Let's learn from one another and live each day, really live because life is too short to not enjoy and live every moment.